Another year around the Sun in search of
Anything to pacify the numbing belief
That irrespective of how our time was spent
Or what solace we were graced by friends
It all amounted to nothing in the end

You'd always watch me as I'd ideate
Diazepam and dulling ache

I aged by days on afternoons behind those shades
In a darkened room my body lay, tumours blooming in my brain
I am consumed by an unfulfilling sadness
Not even misery loves me

I am alone, and I'm afraid that I always will be

My mother knows that I am sick
But I hate t

If you don't mind, could you turn yourself away?
It hurts to see the disappointment on your face
And I know you're probably sick of hearing me complain
About the weight of being alive

In every conversation piece
That you perform to pique my intrigue
I can see the light

Six years ago I developed a shake in my hands
As they carried the weight of a love I was too young to understand
But had convinced myself I couldn't live without
Now the only reminders I have of a life I no longer miss
Are my terrible cursive, and problems holding my cutlery

You were convulsing in the next room
So I lay awake in bed
Prayed to a God I don't believe in
So that he may keep you safe
I could hear my father's fingers
Carve their way into the wood of your door frame
Mother shaking
As your eyes rolled back into your head again

Sleep seems to evade me
I just spend the whole night pacing in the hallway
Where I used to hear your footsteps on the floor
I've been so low, and maybe I've been thinking about us lately
But I guess that doesn't matter anymore

I just called to say I'm sorry, darling
But

For all of my noise I am nothing more than a sensitive child
I'm sorry, I'm tired, guess I haven't slept in a while
It's hard to be honest with myself
But I should have been honest with you
Of all of the flowers I planted
Doubt was the brightest to bloom
I never had too m

The emptiness I harboured in the questions that I asked
Was almost palpable, it tasted like the soft skin on your back
And when I said: Where did you go?”
What I meant was
Since you left, I have haven’t had the chance to hate you
Nearly half as much as I’ve hated myself

I'd watch the furniture dance slowly, as you dragged it around the room
Unaware of my attention, you were alone for all you knew
But in the moments when the analgesia would briefly fade
I could collocate the words your body spoke; you were always so afraid

Your hands would shak

Does it help if I say that I’m sorry?
I know the burning in my blood has made you worry a lot
Like the medicine they gave me that hurt me
If you leave when I’m sleeping could you turn the lights off?
My eyes ache if I wake up bathing in fluorescence
It's hard to shake the pho

The anecdotes that I recite
About the first half of my life
Are shrouded in verisimilitude
And now it feels naive to ask
But do you think about when we were young?
Would you say that we were happy?
Because I barely remember
Anything before my twenties
When I think

Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?
Are you happy?

How much do you remember about those summers we spent together?
Because I don’t seem to be able to recall all those things I thought that I’d miss
Your perfume and your sun kissed skin
Turns out they meant nothing all along

I was haunted by the emptiness that filled the hole yo

I know I promised not to call but I left so much unsaid
And you barely said a word at all but I knew exactly how you felt

How fast did we decay?
'Cause I remember falling into love but never out again
It felt like one day I woke up and we weren’t there
We'd lay our bones in

It's a slow ride, slipping out of focus
A steady decline, every day's the same

It aches until you tell yourself you can't feel it anymore
But it makes your shadow heavy as you drag it on the floor
And you're happy til you're not, then you're unsure if you ever were
You're l

In every moment of ambivalence
I'd find some comfort in the knowledge
That somewhere you may be watching from afar
And in time we'll see each other again
But for now I'm tightly clinging to an unseen hand
That leads me through the dark
Praying that it's you

Softly s

Lay awake or sleep for days, you wouldn't notice either way
Couldn't help you with your pain, but always hoped that you were safe

It took hours of silent phonecalls for me to finally realise
That just because you act with the best of intentions
It doesn't necessarily mean that

You saw it all fall apart
You saw the person I was before and after the illness started
Pulling out my teeth
And draining the colour from my cheeks
And I can't blame you for leaving me here

But I wish that you'd told me how it upset my mother
Seeing her son's condition