Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

You could hear the hoofbeats pound
As they raced across the ground
And the rattle of the wheels
As they went 'round and 'round
And he galloped into market street
His badge upon his chest
His name was ernie
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Now, ernie loved a widow
A lady known as sue
She lived all alone in linley lane
At number twenty-two
They said she was too good for him
She was haughty, proud, and chic
But ernie had his cocoa there
Three times every week

They called him ernie (ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

She said she'd like to bathe in milk
He said, all right, sweetheart
And when he finished work that night
He loaded up the cart
He said, you wanted pasteurized
'Cause pasteurized is best
She says, ernie, I'll be happy
If it comes up to mə chest

And that tickled old ernie (ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

(Head 'em up! All right!)

Now, ernie had a rival
An evil-looking man
Called two-ton ted from teddington
And he drove the baker's van
He tempted sue with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size
Of his hot meat pies
It very near turned her head

He went on the make with his dundee cake
And he said, if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls every morning
And crumpets every night
He knew once she seen his macaroons
He'd have his wicked way
And all ernie had to offer
Was a pint of milk a day

Poor ernie (ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

One lunchtime, ted saw ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four
And as he leaped down from his van
Hot blood through his veins did course
And he went across to ernie's cart
And he did not kick his horse

Whose name was trigger (trigger)
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west

Now, ernie ran out into the street
With his goldtop in his hand
He said, if you wanna marry susie
You'll fight for her like a man
Oh, why don't we play cards for her?
He sneeringly replied
And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side

Now, ernie dragged him from his van
And beneath the blazing Sun
They stood there face to face
And ted went for his bun
But ernie was too quick for him
Things didn't go the way ted planned
And a strawberry-flavored yogurt
Sent it spinning from his hand

Now, sue, she came between them
And she tried to keep them apart
And a three-day-old rock cake caught him underneath his heart
As he doubled up in agony
The concrete hardened crust
Of a stale meat pie caught him in the eye
And ernie bit the dust

Poor ernie (ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west

Ernie was only sixty-eight, he didn't want to die
Now he's gone to make deliveries
In that milk route in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned

And a milkman's life is full of fun
In that fairy, dairy land
But a woman's needs are manyfold
And sue, she married ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed
Was that the rustle of the leaves?
Or the creaking of the gate?
Or ernie's ghostly goldtops a-rattling in their crate?

They won't forget ernie (ernie)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west!