When I Grow Up I Wanna Be Richey Edwards

My mother cries to me
She says, “I can’t carry on”
My brother hides his head
He’s sober and withdrawn

Grandmother cries to me
Says, “I don’t wanna die”
And through all this
Not once were you standing by my side

Oh, mother, I apologize
For the person I’ve become
Oh, father, I apologize
For the misdeeds that I’ve done

Oh, brother, I apologize
It’s very overdue
Oh, lover, I apologize
For ever meeting you

I will drink myself near death and I will confess, too
Even if you are not here for me to confess to
How will it feel years and years down the line
When you learn you can’t love for the hundredth time?

Oh, my friends, I apologize
But it’s time I disappeared
Oh, family, I apologize
But I cannot stay here

Oh, my friends, I apologize
Can you hear it in my voice?
I vanished a long, long time ago
I never had a choice

And I will snub these cigarettes out upon my arm
And bandage up my bloodied wrists each time they come to harm
And vomit all my troubles, yes, I will purge them out
Fuck what I’m allowed to feel and allowed to sing about

God damn you all for trying to discredit self-pity
Because three hours of sleep a night is starting to fucking kill me
Fuck what I’m allowed to feel
Fuck you, and fuck what I’m allowed to feel

I was going to name this project “forbidden colors”
But the pretense made me want to hang myself