There'll be times when you get older
And you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you

But DON'T!

Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do
That's another thing that you don't wanna do

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch
Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why
And you cry and you cry and you cry
And you cry and you cry...

Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"

Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers.

Nowwwww chickens!

Sometimes men love women,
And sometimes men love men.

Then there are bi-sexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves

La-la-la-la-la-la...

New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour

But to me that is not scary
Cause I stay away from dairy
La-la-la-la-la-la...

Who will perform
in the cerimony,
Who will perform
in the cerimony?

First time I met Chandler I thought he was gay.
But here I am singing on his wedding day..

Monica: Pheobe you can't sing that at the wedding!
Pheobe: Well you didnt let me finish.
It goes on to say he's probably not gay!

Crazy underwear creeping up my butt
Crazy underwear always in a rut
Crazy underwear...

...And the crusty old man said "I'll do what I can"
And the rest of the rats played maracas

He was a double,
double,
double-jointed boy

Now grandma's a person who everyone likes
She brought you a train and a bright shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
But the truth is she died and someday

It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see,
One of them won't do it, but the second will set you free
Tell all your hate and anger, it's time to say goodbye
That is just what I will do
As soon as those bastards I worked for die
La, la la la la la la

A hazard sign is written across your forehead
A warning bell is ringin' in my ears
You've left a string of girls cryin' behind you
I must be out of my mind to let you know...
That I have fallen for you

CHORUS:
Hey Mr Bad News
Come as close as you can
Hey Mr Bad

Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap
Said all you need is to write them a song
Now you haven't heard it yet so don't try to sing along
No don't sing along
Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello

Jingle bitch screwed me over
Go to hell jingle whore
Go to hell, go to hell, go to h-h-hell

I found you in my bed,
How did you wind up there?
You are a mystery,
Little black curly hair, Little black curly hair
Little black, little black, little black, little black
Little black curly hair

Are you in there little fetus?
In nine months will you come greet us?
I will buy you some Adidas

My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar

and sometimes when it's breezy
Or if i'm feeling sneezy
And now I......

"excuse me!! excuse me!!
Yeah noisy boys!

You don't have to be awake to be my man
As long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand.

Though we just met the other day
There's something I have go to say...

Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat
It's not your fault

They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault

You may not be a bed of roses
You're not friend