Hey, little man, get up out of bed
And wipe all the sleep from those eyes
I know that it's late, but we just couldn't wait
To tell you our big new surprise

Remember that night, about three months ago
When you walked into Mom and Dad's room?
And then how we talked of the

Robots, monkeys, air-o-planes
The Mississippi, London, Spain
A newborn kitten, Charlie Brown
Some Eskimos and a Lincoln Town Car

Pork chop sandwiches, Apple iPhone
Jimmy Carter, baseball, Sno Cones
Chocolate, diapers, sushi, NASCAR
Wal-Mart, Buddha, Kenya, tadpoles<

Mr. Bonds, Mr. Bonds Have you ever taken steroids?
"I'm really getting tired Of these baseless allegations
I'm just a normal guy trying to make a living
I never took a steroid in my life"

Did you take HGH?
"No"
Trenbolone?
"No"
Or testosterone decanoate?
"No

It doesn't feel too much like Christmas Eve here
The town is covered up in shades of gray
I've tried a thousand times, but I can't leave here
Though all my former friends have gone away

All my plans here at my feet
Now just snowflakes in the street
Trampled by the giant

If Bobby loves Amy
And Amy loves Bobby
Then Bobby equals happy
And Amy equals happy

If Bobby loves Amy
And Amy not loves Bobby
Then Bobby not equals happy
And Amy not equals happy

If Bobby loves Amy
And Amy loves Mary
And Mary loves Bobby
Then Bobb

As the son of a son of a lawyer
I never get home before nine
The folks at work all think I'm a jerk
I never see my kids and they don't seem to mind

Yes, I'm stressed, and aggression's got the better of me
My second ex-wife says I oughta get a life
And the third and four

There once was a leader by name of Saddam
He once was the tops, but his life hit the bottom
He crawled into a hole, but the U.S. forces got 'im
Cut to a couple years later

The war crimes trial is over finally
And they said death was much too good for someone such as he

Today we sing the praises of December 23rd
Although it's not a holiday per se
It's just the day that is the day before the day
Before the day that is the best day in the world

The 24th is Chirstmas Eve, the 25th is Christmas
And the 26th is Boxing Day and marks the Feast of

You know I love to count to ten
So I made this song
Everybody knows the words
Why don't you sing along

CHORUS
One, two, three
Four, five, six
Seven, eight, nine and ten
One, two, three
Four, five, six
Seven, eight, nine and ten

Hank was a hockey pl

Cruel, cruel moon
Please don't come out tonight
'Cause when you do
My Emily Lou
And me are gonna have a fight

They say the full moon's meant for lovers
But you're gonna break my heart
'Cause when you shine
That baby of mine
Will turn into a werewolf
And

Everybody out there knows Frosty and Santa
And Rudolph with his shiny red nose
But there's another creature who embodies Xmas spirit
From his furry, stripe-y head
Down to his ten tiny toes

He's Dexter the Credit-Debt Badger
Spreading lots of holiday cheer
When the b

Elvis dead today
He's not alive today
Try not to cry today
Happy anniversary

The lifestyle took its toll
On the King of Rock 'n' Roll
They found him on the toilet bowl
Happy anniversary

Elvis Aaron Presley
He loved his momma and his country
Gospel musi

Algernon was hanging pictures over his bed
The hammer missed the nail, and hit his finger instead
The swelling started growin'
And the blood began a-flowin'
While Algernon let go with some
Epithets!

Bobby was the pitcher on his Little League team
His father would pr

Every man has a secret porn collection
Beneath the mattress, in the basement, or in the shed
An indecent aggregation
To aid with our stimulation
After everybody else has gone to bed

An encyclopedic media selection
Pictures, magazines, flip-books and DVDs
A corn-u-co

On the day we met I knew that we would end up man and wife
And now we're gettin' ready for a steady happy married life
I dream about the kissin' and the kids that it'll bring us
Then all the grandchildren runnin' round at Christmas
Tradin' in the house for a double-wide camper

I just can't seem to find the words
To tell you just how much you mean to me
So forget it

You'll never know how beautiful and wonderful
And specialful you are
'cause I can't tell you
Just forget it

I can't afford to buy you diamonds or fancy things
So I won't<

In old Philadelphia, the Founding Fathers met
Because our country didn't have a Constitution yet
Many of the framers would go on to greater fame
One was a Virginian; Mason was his name

In Seventeen and Ninety-One, George Mason led the fight
That led to the adoption of our n

We piled the family in the SUV on Christmas Day
And headed off to Grandma's house, one hundred miles away
'Cause Grandma cooked a great big Christmas dinner for us all
She's done it every single year since I was very small

Now, all her life, our Grandma's always been a bit conf

You can keep your Christmas, Easter, Hannukah and Halloween
The best day of the year, we say's July the 17th
That's the day we celebrate a very special birth
The day our angel, Kristi Lee, arrived down here on Earth

We had some problems giving you our presents all week long

Here come the dinosaurs
You can't stop them
No