It Would Have Been Wonderful

FREDRIK:
I should never have gone to the theatre.
Then I'd never have come to the country.
If I never had come to the country,
Matters might have stayed as they were.

CARL-MAGNUS:
Sir...

FREDRIK:
Sir...

If she'd only been faded,
If she'd only been fat,
If she'd only been jaded
And bursting with chat,
If she'd only been perfectly awful
It would have been wonderful.
If...if...
If she'd been all a-twitter
Or elusively cold,
If she'd only been bitter,
Or better, looked passably old,
If she'd been covered with glitter
Or even been covered with mold,
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
To my deepest dismay.
Well, not quite perfection,
I'm sorry to say.
If the woman were perfection,
She would go away,
And that would be wonderful.
Sir...

CARL-MAGNUS:
Sir...

If she'd only looked flustered
Or admitted the worst,
If she only had blustered
Or simpered or cursed,
If she weren't so awfully perfect
It would have been wonderful.
If...if...
If she'd tried to be clever,
If she'd started to flinch,
If she'd cried or whatever
A woman would do in a pinch,
If I'd been certain she never
Again could be trusted an inch,
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
Not an action denied,
The kind of perfection
I cannot abide.
If the woman were perfection
She'd have simply lied,
Which would have been wonderful.

FREDRIK:
If she'd only been vicious...

CARL-MAGNUS:
If she'd acted abused...

FREDRIK:
Or a bit too delicious...

CARL-MAGNUS:
Or been even slightly confused...

FREDRIK:
If she had only been sulky--

CARL-MAGNUS:
Or bristling--

FREDRIK:
Or bulky--

CARL-MAGNUS:
Or bruised--

BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.

CARL-MAGNUS:
If...

BOTH:
If...

FREDRIK:
If she'd only been wilful...

CARL-MAGNUS:
If she only had fled...

FREDRIK:
Or a little less skillful...

CARL-MAGNUS:
Insulted, insisting--

FREDRIK:
In bed--

CARL-MAGNUS:
If she had only been fearful--

FREDRIK:
Or married--

CARL-MAGNUS:
Or tearful--

FREDRIK:
Or dead--

BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.
But the woman was perfection,
And the prospects are grim;
That lovely perfection
That nothing can dim.
Yes, the woman was perfection,
So I'm here with him!

CARL-MAGNUS:
Sir...

FREDRIK:
Sir...

BOTH:
It would have been wonderful.